Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
