I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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