She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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