Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
