Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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