I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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