totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
