It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
