I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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