so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
