My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
