I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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