I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
