I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
