he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
