the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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