His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
