She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
