We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
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theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
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It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.