She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Too much gin, very little bucket
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?