I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
