we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.