I wish my penis had an off switch
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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