So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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