She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
