Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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