Swine flu. Run for my life!
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
