This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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