my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
