Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
