Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
