He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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