First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
