You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
