I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
