If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
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My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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