I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
