Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
