i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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