She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
