He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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