1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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