someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
