I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
why is half of my head shaved?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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