Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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