My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
