genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
