Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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