my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
