I CAN MOONWALK!
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
