Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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