Well douche your snatch and let's go!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
