I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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