He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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