FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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