Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
