I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
