Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
