just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
