If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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