i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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