idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
