I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
